Wednesday, August 24, 2005

On cooking for oneself

Good morining. This will be a quick course on how to cook for yourselves without getting that strong urge to commit suicide that most male self-sufficient people are accustomed to. It's not as difficult to do as it sounds; but just to be on the safe side, discard your knives and ensure that ceiling fans which are convenient to hang yourself from are removed from your house.
Now that you have discarded you knives, you would think that the choice of vegetables that you can consume has drastically gone down. Not really! A simple procedure is outlined here: follow it and you won't regret it!
BITE THE RAW VEGETABLES! Bite them and spit them into the container! That's as good as cutting them - and you don't risk the tetanus from a rusted knife! You might experience some issues in biting some more exotic vegetables which are harder: and meat. But the only solution is to drink more milk. Milk has calcium and is good for the teeth.
Cleaning dishes is a pain. So, we'll make it a lot easier for the person who does the washing! We'll put the detergent in the food. What we cook will suck anyway, so the average person will be unable to make out the difference! So, take some vim or whatever it is that you use to clean the plates and put them in the food. You could fry it in oil if you want or just season your food with it. A welcome benifit, of course, is that it helps keep your stomach clean too! Plus, after eating think you won't want to commit suicide - you'll probably be dead already.
Here's a recipie that you might be interested in. Take some bread - put it in the blender - take some raw carrots and some honey - take some indian spices - put them in the blender too - what the hell - take some olive oil while you're at it. Now, I give you the opportunity to choose any food item - that goes in the blender too - then heat the blender in the oven. Pray that it does not melt - and then run it.
Try eating the cockaroaches in your bathroom. It gets your food bill down - and it sure as hell reduces the cost of exterminating the damn things. They can either be boiled and eaten - or just crunched. It depends. If you like potato chips, you'll like the latter. If you like french fries, you'll like the former. People accustomed to eating mangoes - like those in India can scoop the insides of the roach - leaving only the exoskeleton. The latter can be pickled. Ants can be made a meal of too.
Just remember, you don't have to eat this. There's the other option to. In other words, do or die.


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Akhilesh said...

Good one. LOL.