The War against heat

Preet Pal was a landless farmer. He worked for a corpulent dictator of a farmer; he paid him only Rs 10 an hour, utterly insufficient to feed his family. So Preet was delighted to hear of the new initiative by the government to grow Jathropha on hitherto uncultivated (and therefore, wooded) land. And even more delighted when his application to cultivate that land was accepted only with a bribe of Rs 4000.

Ram Singh was a hard worker. He earned his daily bread by chopping trees. His was an honest trade: he would make Rs 50 per tree he would chop down and dispose off. And he did four on a good day; three on a bad. His pay was roughly Rs 4000 a month; he was one of the massive Indian middle class. His wife worked in a pappad factory in the city; she made a cool 2500 every month; the could afford to send their children to a good English Medium school. Oh, and Ram was an expert bull-dozer driver.

Viral Patel was the contractor. He put the bread in Ram's plate (for hours of tree-cutting labour). He was the stereotyped middle-man; shouting into cell-phone in ear, spitting paan on the pavement, conveying an air of unparalelled unctuosity. With a white cap replacing the bald head, you could mistake him for one of those Lok-Sabha people. And a few years down the line, Viral hoped, you wouldn't just mistake him for one of "those Lok-Sabha people". Live everyone else, he had hopes of being the prime minister. Viral had bribed so many ministers that he thought it made good business sense to be one. Viral was now doing a job for the government; he was cutting the trees off a "boring" section Ranthambore. The government had carefully weighed odds; it had reckoned that energy were more important that keeping the tigers alive. Without energy, what is the use of tigers? No tourists, no money.

Amit Kumar was an engineer. Not the best in his class, but certainly passionate. He had gone to school long ago, he had done a few courses on energy. He remembered that biomass was Carbon-dioxide neutral. (The only carbon dioxide that it emits on combustion is the carbon dioxide that it absorbs while growing. Safe to say that the replacement plants are "recharging" the atmosphere with CO2.) He reckoned it would keep the world a safe, cool place. So, he designed a biomass (datura) cultivation system for the government.

Yusuf Khan was a professor. He had pioneered the use of datura ( a common weed) for energy production. His papers had won fame world-wide. He became a household name in India. Lots of excited parents started calling their new-born sons Yusuf. He had, coincidentally taught Amit that course, where he had made the claim about biomass.

So, Amit's plan to build the farm went ahead; Preet and Ram did their bit. Mr. Shere-Khan is now dead; so are 5000 trees whose services in converting CO2 to O2 have been lost for all eternity. A scar on the face of the planet. Yusuf then, went on to win the Nobel Prize for ushering in the black revolution in India. Alas, "black" could very well stand for eternal doom; not just oil oil.

Two Nations in One

Between 68 deg. E and 92 Deg E; 8 deg N and 36 deg N lies one massive piece of land; a piece of land that hosts two nations. The nations of India. Both Nations answer to international calling code +91; but only one that has access to the internet domain .in

There's a nation that is wealthy; that posesses a standard of living competing with that of the U.S; and there's a Nation that would give Darfur a run for its money as far as misery is concerned. Let's call the nations India and Bharat respectively; reserving the English name for the prosperous nation. It reflects reality better.

Bharat speaks in many languages - and most of it cannot write. Bharat dwells in slums; relies on the usually unreliable monsoon for farming. Bharat has one of the largest populations in the world; but still has one of the least per-hectare yields of agriculture in the world. Almost all Bharatwasis are farm-based. The urban dwellers often works twelve hours a day, six days a week to feed their massive families. Life in Bharat is a struggle.

In Bharat, opportunities are scarce. Education is seldom a priority. Illiterate parents often do not appreciate the importance of school; they put pressure on their children to work and support the family instead of letting them go to school (a situation borne out of, often, utter necessity). Even the women work as labourers (who said working women is a new concept in Bharat?). Construction work happens in the foul 50 degree heat. And women don't even have bathrooms to bathe in. This is true even in the more prosperous southern states. Let's not even talk of the miseries in Orissa and Bihar.

And when it rains in the slums, it falls on the bed. It falls on the stove. Mosquitoes breed outside the front door. And the government does not remove them easily; the poor cannot bribe. The combined (Bharatiya + Indian ) economy survives exclusively on bribes. And when it does not rain, things get even worse. Water supply is muddy (if it exists). Long trips to the well by women have become quite a common feature in National Georgraphic and other publications.

In Bharat, reporting sexual abuse (an astronishingly common phenomenon) is an unaffordable luxury. There's no time to report it; the police will not take it seriously; and the social stigmas that follow are, well, a fate worse than death. Bharat is a land of 900 million. 900 million battling over scarce and mediocre resources. For the Indians have hogged all the good tomatoes, the healthy eggs. The Indians use all the power, drink all the water.

India is a new world power. It was always a nation of a very high standard of living. Perhaps the only thing wrong with it was the extremely hot climate; and the squalor in the streets created by the Bharatwasis. I mean, who wants to walk on a street which smells like a sewer? Who wants to look at poor, suffering people? But besides that, life is excellent in India. Houses can be cleaned for a pittance by the Bharatwasis. Indians are ambitious. They want to do well in life; their life is greatly inspired by American sitcoms, American Universities and American freeways. Some Indians set sail for greater "opportunities" abroad, but with globalization, an Indian standard of living is really high enough.

Bharatwasis are converting to Indians; some of them are drifting up the stratas of the society. 45% of all the Bharatwasis have cable of some sort already! But there's so many of them. A sudden change in the standard of living is almost impossible. It will take a herculan effort to awaken the Bharatwasis.

It is gratifying to note than democracy has come up with a solution. Affirmative action. Will it benifit the Bharatwasis in the long run? The Indians don't think so - affirmative action hurts the Indians. You wouldn't expect them to support these reservations.

I'm sure democracy will come up with an affirmative action approach that shall not affect the Indians negatively. For what is good for the Bharatwasis will be good for the Indians in the long run. Perhaps Bharatwasis and Indians will be the same in the future.

The origin of faith

Humanity has come a long way from the cave to palaces; from tree-tops to giant yachts, from a nomadic pastoral existence to the moon. One of the single most important factors influencing Man's success is faith. Why faith? Why does faith give a human being strength? Why would belief in something improve man's survival chances?

In this article we will try to rationalise divinity and show that it isn't supernatural after all!

There's security in numbers. Suppose 12 people go hunting individually (one by one). And suppose another twelve people go hunting together. It doesn't take rocket science to note that the former case would have made good meat for the animal, and the latter case would have made good meat of the animal. Humans in a group are more secure.

Consider a tribe in the Ganga valley. A tribe is essentially a set of people that reside in the same society. A leader is necessary for the survival of the tribe; leader-less tribes would have been wiped out due to the ensuing chaos! Suppose the ruler of the tribe is very sucsessful; a hero. Suppose he is a good ruler. Suppose he captures many other tribes - and becomes a tribal lord of sorts. If he rules well, will become very popular. And everybody would just idolise him. He would become a living legend (like Sachin Tendulkar is, right now).

In an era where photographs are a few millenia from invention, the only way to pass on his legacy is by word of mouth or by statue - or by book. A human being rapidly becomes a legend. And, in a millenium or so, he becomes a God. His simple deeds (like fetching a tumbler of wine from somewhere) get glorified into turning water into wine. People become passionate about him. He becomes the epitomy of good governance. All further rulers are expected to live up to an ideal established by him; kings aim to be but his re-incarinations, metaphorically speaking.

In a few millenia, Gandhi will become a God of truth and non-violence (his quirks would add to his charm!); Einstien the God of the grey cells, Angelina Jolie, the godess of love, and of course,
the rock band Metallica, the gods of painful noise.

Big Brother is Watching You: Corporate Hubris in the US of A

Well, not exactly. But if you are living in the US of A, then odds are, a big brother of some sort knows everything about you; he knows whether you pay your loans on time, he knows whether you drive properly, he knows whether you are a sex offender; he knows who you’ve been talking to on the phone….. Big brothers are doing everything except literally watching you.

In my opinion, a human being should be forgiven for committing a minor mistake. We’re all people. We make mistakes. But what the American corporations are doing is entirely erasing that “forgiveness” safety-net that human beings, (in my opinion) are entitled to.

Take for instance the “credit score check” which happens whenever you want to take a loan, or get a cell-phone, get a credit card, buy a car – a process taken for granted by the hapless residents. The efficient are rewarded; the inefficient (those who forget to or cannot pay their loan on time) – they are charged steep premiums. Government does not impose controls; corporations do, in the US of A. But to the average person, it is all the same. Their life is under control, under constant supervision – the people are no better off than the inhabitants of Rwanda or Somalia – under the shadow of the militias in power. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, but I do hope my point is appreciated.

The other day, I went to the Social Security office and filled out my social security application form. (Us international students: we don’t get it when we were born) The following was written on the same: “You have a right to deny us your personal information. However, if you do, you shall not be allowed to get paid for your work in this country.”. It’s like god (the entity that some people believe is “responsible” for all life on earth. In the extremely unlikely event that he does exist, I am sure he is feeling pretty silly, looking at how his creations turned out!) saying “You can stop breathing anytime you want. You might not live, but that is entirely up to you”.

And you cannot speak out against corporations here: defamation suits will follow. And the money-might of these corporations more or less ensures that very, very few people actually have the financial and mental strength to withstand the millions of court-room appearances that this would entail.

And don’t let me even get started on the copy-right and patent terrorism. Suppose you invent something new. It’s not a time to celebrate; it’s a time to mourn. For surely, within the equivocal, un-understandable verbosity that lies filed within the US patent office, lies something or the other that can be interpreted to sound very similar to what you would have just invented. Law suits from corporations will follow.

This is the philosophy of the US of A. This is indeed a free country; if you pay your bills on time; if you do not stand in the way of a bad driver on the road; if you do not fall ill, etc. Land of the free, or a corporate dictatorship?

The author is an idiot. He has not really experienced any such dictatorship, but he loves to speculate. The author believes he is like Wodehouse’s Alaric, the Duke of Dunstable, who’s passion is writing acerbic letters to the editor of “The Times” (presumably) in those wonderful Blandings Castle Stories.

War

2061 AD. The Americans are at it with the Chinese. Both countries wanted the good life; Mother Earth could just not take it anymore. The Chinese had been growing at an astronomical 9% every year since 1979 – it did not take them long to give the Americans a run for their money in the battle for oil and water. The Indians were left far behind: 9% is way more than 7%, especially when compounded.

The Average Chinese got fatter; obesity became a problem – it was indeed a problem of plenty. The Chinese started to demand what the American demands now: high quality junk food; massive sales with prices marked down (after a massive mark-up earlier); a culture governed by little pieces of paper and plastic cards – and fingerprints and dna.

The convenience driven modern society started to attach DNA to bank accounts. Money could be withdrawn only if you had the right DNA on you. This would also require the correct finger-print, making the entire process of forgery very difficult, and the process of withdrawing cash a tremendous hassle. Some firms tried doing away with the finger-print verification, but that led to lots of barbers and spouses being sued.

Let us stop the digression. Let’s talk about what we set out wanting to talk about. Wars.

President Heorhe Shrub of the United States was a descendant of Bobby Fischer. Premier Hau Taul ( is a China-Man) of China carried a computer with the power of deep-blue in his shirt pocket. The Indian Prime Minister, Venkaraman Karim-Patel was born in Vijaywada, a southern city (medium sized) of 30 million. He was born into a middle class family. His family saw that he was an exceptionally talented chess Player – and made him skip school to explore the wonderful world of chess. Some 900,000 other children from Vijaywada went to a crammery (where they were made to memorize each and every game of chess ever played between 2 human beings), 10,000 made it to the Indian Institute of Chess, and twelve made it to the National Chess Institute. And finally, some 20 students from all over India played amongst themselves to determine the new Prime Minister of India.

Somewhere in 2020, people decided that war was pretty pointless. By 2015, the United States army stopped recruiting new marines: they had robots to do all the dirty fighting anyway! They started to pump more money into manufacturing new robots to kill people. The Chinese government had always been working on robots to fight and kill people. The Americans, on realizing that all their investment in new robots (that could kill) was pointless (as their enemies also had robots too), decided that enough was enough. The American corporations had to write of all the robots as a big loss (attempts were made of selling them as butlers – until some robots malfunctioned and shot their owners dead instead.)

The American Government (under pressure from loss making American corporations) got the two and a quarter main powers in the world: Itself, China and India to a round table conference in India. In the historic declaration (the Bhatinda Accord), it was decided that war be abolished, since it was no longer economically viable. A study conducted jointly by University of Chicago, Tsinghua University and Kanpur Dehat University was cited – showing a correlation between the military might of a country and the number of chess victories in a year. Chess was accepted as the new “war”. The premier of each nation would play chess against the premier of the nation they were warring against.

Nuclear Weapons were dumped on Mars. The Martians would never have a chance. They would blow themselves up long before evolving. Just like we almost did.

An intriguing side effect (which no one foresaw) was the re-emergence of Russia as a world power. Those unethical bastards probably cloned Kramnik. And the American corporates- curse them - they sell plastic chess sets made in India and China all around the world.

What's wrong with populism?

It is quite familiar to hear these cynical observations muttered by "educated" Indians.

"Politicians are only worried about votes".

"God save this country from populism".

Tell me, as a democracy, would you not expect a government to be populist? Would you expect a government to do what the people do not want? My friends, we are India, not China.

It is indeed spell-bindingly obvious that Arjun Singh has a political axe to grind with the reservation card. And the question I raise here is: if the idea of caste based reservations would have full-fledged support from the masses, why was is not implemented earlier? Was it not a travesty of democracy that something that has had so much support from the masses was not implemented? Wasn't the government guilty of not implementing this earlier, when the popular mandate out these was to implement it?

I feel proud that the hitherto downtrodden are benifitting from reservation; and that we're achieving 8% growth rate despite the reservation. (The reservation in IITs is more or less cosmetic. All of us IITians know that IIT is a decrepit system which churns out mediocre management graduates in the guise of engineers. Look at all the companies recruiting on campus. Citi Financial. KPMG. McKinsey. Stan-Chart. Capital-One. BCG. The only saving grace is the quality of the post graduate research at IIT, which is as good at it gets in India.)

I would like the commend the government in pursuing the reservation issue, despite negative coverage from the press. Populism is good. If you're not a populist, the people will vote you out. You're the masses' servant, not the rich man's. True meritocracy will result only when the poor are given a level playing field.

Popularity

Who is the most popular human being on earth? Interesting question.

Let's rule out any Hollywood actor: their popularity is very limited (to the developed world)... and there's way too many of them, so different people have different favorites.

Let's rule out anyone in the west, actually. There' s way too less people in the western world. If the question were "Which person's popularity can be transalated into the most money due to ticket sales and endorsements?", then perhaps western celebs would stand a chance. But not as things are right now.

So, of course, the possibilities are essentially either Chinese or Indian celebs ... with billion plus people. I have a gut feeling that the most popular person in the world is Sachin Tendulkar. I will make my case in the following paragraphs.

What do a billion people have in common in India? They do not have a common culture: the culture of the North-east differs from the south, the culture of the east and the west is different. Hinduism? There are more variations within Hinduism in India than there are between different religions at other places!

Democracy? Yes indeed; but the people of the North have never heard of Karunanidhi, the people of the west have never heard of Budhadeb Bhattacharya. Hindi Films? The big B might have more than a 300 million loyal fans (more than the productive population of the USA) but the average Apparao down south would have a tough time placing him.

Cricket is the only thing that unites India's diversity. India's massive talent pool of cricket is (often cruelly) refined and refined again into an elite squad: the men in Blue. And Sachin Tendulkar is the formost and the bluest of them all. A man who's antics on the field make many an Indian's heart beat faster. A person who drives bowlers to utter disarray on his day. A humble genius.

For he carries the hopes and aspirations of 1 billion people. He is among the few things that the people of this entire mass of people actually hold close to their heart.

And part of the problem is that. There's enough talent in India to produce 20 Sachin Tendulkar. If we search deep enough we will find a fast bowler that will put Shohaib Akthar to shame. A spinner who will spin 180 degrees! So, all the people of India look at Sachin - perhaps because they have no one else to look up to.

I'm not too sure about China, but I'm sure you see that Sachin has a strong case to be crowned "most popular man on earth".

Fire the Bastards

Striking doctors, no matter how "noble" the cause of their strike might be, should be tried for murder. Emergency health-care should be "strike-proof". Doctors do not make any point by going on strike. They should just be fired for going on strike, for they have put a lot of patients in the line of danger. The nation-dwellers cannot be hijacked by a few selfish personal agendas.

I commend the government for the strong stance that it has taken about these jokers going on strike. Issuing a show-cause notice is a strong move. A move that has the following written boldy upon it: the high and mighty have gradually stopped to wield controlling political power. Power lies with the people. It is a happy day for democracy.

For the real India that is going to take over the world (along with China and the U.S) is essentially not you and me. We're the rich, we're English educated. We, for all practical purposes constitute a state the size of Goa with an American style standard of living. I'm talking about the rest of India. The poor auto-walla in Chennai, the rickshaw driver in Kanpur, the paddy farmer in Bihar, the cotton farmer in Maharashtra, the fisherman of Bengal, the Mumbai slum dweller, the Andhra peasant, the servant maid in Delhi, to name a few. These are the 950 million faces that live modest lives right now, that might live better tomorrow. These are the people who will install air-conditioners in their houses in the near future. These are the people that will purchase pesonal computers. That will shop in large department stores, drive automobiles. (!*)

Any scientifically executed move to awaken this massive middle class is welcome; an intellegent reservation policy, perhaps.

The day that the rest of India starts demanding what the American takes for granted right now is the day that India takes over the world. Not the day that the emergency care doctor goes on strike. That would be the day that he deserves to be fired and tried for murder.

********************

I do believe that patriotism is another divisive ideology like religion, and oppose it in principle. But pragmatism makes me accept patriotism. I do make India-specific allusions here, because I am famililar with issues affecting the sub-continent. In principle I would love to dedicate my life to work that could uplift humanity in general, but that would sound too arrogant.

(!*) The planet does not have enough resources to support an American Style for everyone. Adam Smith's invisible hand will ensure that certian compromises are made; energy efficiency measures are incorporated - and essentially, gas-guzzlers are driven to extinction. But that's a different story altogether. A story that would make interesting reading. Perhaps, I could post bits of it in the future?

Reservations: Not such a massive evil?

Flip. Flop. Flip. Flop.

I'm sorry, Mr. Arjun Singh. I'm sorry I had you possesed by Hitler. I'm sorry I made your hand bleed. I'm sorry I made you say Behe? !hod. I've just read some literature (of sorts) about the Caste debate in India .. and I can see your line of thought (though not quite agree with it).

Firstly, I'll tell you what I think is absolutely wrong with it: caste! Caste has been the number-one society destroyer that has plagued Hinduism (my parents' "religion") since times immemorial. By using caste as a critereon for reservation, all you are doing is re-ingniting those age-old sentiments of casteism. You are turning an oblivious eye to the real factor: poverty. But that's not your fault. Caste based reservations were around for quite some time.

A better system of affirmative action would assure seats to the poor: to those who need aid - and would not deny aid to a poor person from a so-called "upper caste". Rich "lower-caste" people should not be in a position to avail these freebies. But I can see the impracticalities associated with such a legislation, prominent among them being children saying "Damn, it dad! If you were not so rich, I would have been at IIT".

I will have to, therefore grudgingly accept the "populist" solution: that of caste-based reservations: purely because there is absolutely no other option. Unfairness to a handful of poor upper class people is better than unfairness to the infinitely larger lower class. O' great constitution writers, you were more or less right.

There's 24% of SC/STs in India. They have have an almost equal 22.5 reservation. They are so poor that they need all the upliftment that they can get. Then come the OBCs, with 50% of the population. They are marginally better off; they do not need so much "upliftment" as the SC/STs, and they have to do with 27% of the reservation; not 50%.

In an Ideal India later, where everyone is really equal, the so-called OBCs should constitute roughly 50% of the seats in educational institutions. Reservations go meaningless in the future.

This is a murky problem; there is more to it than meets the eye. Ostensibly, denying opportunities to the meritorious might seem criminal; might seem cruel. But one needs to overcome one's prejudices and perfrom an unbiased analysis of the same. These measures might very well cut down our current growth-rate in the short run, but they might go a long way in averting a workers' revoltuion in our country.

There lies a lot of talent in that hitherto undiscovered "backward" mass of under-acheiveing humans in India. Tapping into this potential is like tapping into a half of undiscovered India. Who knows? Maybe within those undiscovered masses lie the new Sachin Tendulkar, the new Homi Bhaba, and what the hell - the new Albert Einstien?

Why is it that these issues are raised only during elections? The fact that politicians do not raise the reservation issue during non-election years essentially tells the people that they really don't care two hoots about social upliftment - but care only about votes ..... which is the way democracy is supposed to function ... intentions are of little value. Only results matter.

With these reservations, our country might very well grow faster in the long run.

He wants to take care of us

There is someone up in the sky,
who wants to look after you and I.
He hates to let things go wrong;
He wants to keep us happy and strong.

He would like to give us shelter from the rain,
He craves to protect us from anguish and pain.
And He desires to protect the coast from the wave,
and from the mighty hurricane.

He wants no violence on his name,
Peace is his method, his aim!
He is the god that We beleive in;
Utter incompetence, his only sin.

Inheritance

There was once a little village -
Long before this day and age.
And within that lived a tribe;
It raised animals to survive.

Let's start with the family of Manmohan Singh,
He raised cows for a living.
Near his sedate and slow moving cow,
Bulls, his family would never allow.
To the calves, they would feed all the grass,
The milk bearing cows, they would starve.
The cows then started to perish-
The milk supply started to finish.

And then the clan of Jacques Chirac
Who made their life toiling with an ass.
The ass was to carry brick and stone-
To build many a happy home.
The ass, he would feed a lot daily,
Regardless of the work quality.
The ass started to work less and less,
But Chirac still kept feeling it in excess.

The weasel belonged to one Vladimir Putin,
Ostensibly, it looked famished and thin.
The weasel would smile at the dinos and the cows,
But would secretly snack on frozen chicken beside its house.
And eating the chicken gave it sharp teeth now,
It looks more the dragon it used to, less like a cow.
When it was a dragon, it had learnt,
How to breathe fire, how to get the village burnt.


And Hu Jintao had a fire breating dragon,
It was visible to no one.
He would sacrifice one from his family to the dragon every year.
His family would live in eternal fear.
Though the dragon would devour one every year,
Hu reckoned procreation was the cure.
Dragons can kill asses, can kill cows
And dinsoaurs too, if push came to shove.

George Bush had a pet called Fido,
a massive fire breathing dino.
The dino had everything cheap-
And therefore would just eat, eat and eat.
While a cow would just ruminate,
Fido would devour a little forest.
But there's no forest anymore now
Fido might just have to diet, you know.

A Love Song

'twas a dreary and rainy night,
On the damp road, there was not a soul in sight.
After a long and tiring work day,
Towards home he started making his way.

He was working on a new theory,
Something to do with Quantum Gravity.
He was thinking of equations in his head,
When he percieved a silhouette.

He was fed up of walking all alone;
Wouldn't it be nice to walk with someone?
He walked faster, to catch up with the silhouette,
Till all between them was not more than a step.

All of a sudden, he heard a loud sound -
and he knew what was coming around.
He had seen this before on TV -
How a tornado can sneak up on you and me.

And without further ado he knew what to do -
To an underground cellar he had to get through!
He leaped immediately and dragged the silhouette,
Into an underground cellar.

The slihouette turned out to be an angry young woman-
Abduction wasn't her idea of fun!
Then all of a sudden, they heard violent windy noises above-
her cynicysm turned to gratitude and love.

He hadn't seen her for a second - but he was in love-
Her face was beautiful, her voice -wow!
They hugged and kissed like a song,
Made sweet love all night long.

It was too good to be true he thought,
He was right, for true it was not.
He had fallen asleep on his books
after giving them many blank looks.

And then he awoke to a realization that was rude;
It was a dream, she was not true!
So, he set on his way home,
The atmosphere was rainy, one of gloom.

And he did see a damsel ahead-
- a silhouette.
And sure enough, he heard those sounds
A tornado was surely doing the rounds!

He grabbed her to the nearest cellar,
She was outraged - I don't blame her.
Not a sound came frome above-
no tornado - and certainly no love.

She took out her cellphone, called the cop-
And he is now doing time behind the lock!

Exploiting Democracy: A peek at the government's future plans

An internal communication within the ruling congress party was intercepted. It distresses one and all that these are the people in charge of the bomb and responsible for a nation that is responsible for the future of the planet in many ways.


Dear Madam Sonia,

Politicians until now have avoided taking some bold populist measures. With electoral battles getting closer every election, we are proud to see that our political party has some up aces up its sleeve.

Print more money

The main problem with India is that poor people are poor. They have insufficient money with them. If money is distributed to everyone, everyone will have money. So, more money could be printed in the mints - and distributed to the masses. Now, everybody can buy food, and everybody will be happy. And to increase the efficiency further, leaves can be used instead of cash! (Borrowing an idea from the Hitch-Hiker's guide).

There will be a few (most probably educated) detractors. They might claim that this will result in rampant inflation - and that the common man will be no better off. These arguments might seem convincing, but the successful politician learns how to deal with such sophistry. All one needs to do is to call these people elitists - and point out that these people do not have the interests of the common people at heart.

Legalize, nay, make compulsory copying in Examinations:

The masses are not intelligent enough to work hard for exams; they are more given into smoking bidis before the same. Since only a small proportion (the "elite") can perform well, it is unfair to discriminate against others - for no fault of their own. It is wise to propose that a level playing field be established in the examination hall by allowing the transfer of data from one answer paper to another.

Students unwilling to share information with others should be disallowed from taking the examination and should be imprisoned for a month. Such a fine will act as a deterrent to these anti-social tendencies.

Such policies have yielded extensive electoral success to the Mulayam Singh and the Rabri Devi governments.

Allow Encroachment

Occasionally, the Indian Railways tries to get rid of people who dwell close to the railway tracks. It is proposed that Indian Railways be forced to allow these encroachments. Any deaths that result can be banned from the Hindi / Local media, so as to stem the propagation of news. It is important to preserve the notion that the nation enjoys a free press, though - for any repression would hurt electoral fortunes.

The stories may be shown on English media, since the elitists won't vote for us anyway.

Land Reform

A cue must be taken from Mugabe's Zimbabwe. Rich land owners and home owners constitute a very small proportion of the electorate. The poor masses comprise a larger chunk. It is proposed that the poor be urged to usurp the land of the rich man - and that the constitution be amended to allow what would currently be considered an transgeression of the Indian Penal Code. The rich man will not vote for us anyway, being an elitist. It is the poor we are worried about.

Will these measures not dry up electoral funding?

Before embarking on any of these revolutionary measures, it is proposed that the party procure large orchards everywhere - so as to possess ample leaves - thereby doing away with the need for electoral funding of any sort.

Yours Sincerely,

Manmohan Singh

Prime Minster and Chief Populist
Republic of India

Mother India : An Eternal Beggar?

There's two conflicting effects that any reservation policy would have: a negative impact on the meritorious and a positive impact on the backward masses - for argument's sake assuming that the caste based reservation system is an appropriate way to judge one's backwardness - something that many people (including yours truly) vehemently disagree with.

Certainly, India's masses need upliftment and encouragement - some preferential treatment is necessary to level the playing field. Some amount of reservations could be an incentive to pursue higher education.

But in a nation of limited resources, denying education to the genuinely deserving will result in a severe under-utilization of Human capital. Lots of future Homi Bhabhas, Adbul Kalams, C.V Ramans, J.C Boses etc. shall be denied access to quality education. Mother India shall have to beg for Nuclear Technology all over again.

But this could be a blessing in disguise. It is a bloody shame that we Indians rely on politicians to set up institutes of excellence. Arjun Singh has no incentive to see India develop. He does not want so see a prosperous India. The average politician's vision is restricted to seeing himself in a position of power in the near future. Future is certainly never an issue - especially if all decision making offices are run by octagenarians who might conk off any moment. Development is a tough idea to sell to an electorate already so cynical of empty promises. Arjun Singh chooses populist appeasement instead.

On a more optimistic note, I believe there is an ample case in favour of private research based universities in India. Just imagine: Intel wants some academic research done on some fundamental cooling electronic cooling techniqes. It collaborates with, say, Texas A&M university. It gives a professor a grant of $2 Million to do it. And the professor has to buy experimental equipment, pay his electricity bill, give the university its hefty cut, hire some graduate students (and pay their tuition, fee and monthly stipend).

AMD also wants similar work done, but somebody in their ranks has heard of a univerisity in India that can do the same thing for $0.6 million - and that's inculding the airfare. After all, paying a graduate student Rs 20000 per month ($500) instead of $1500 would do in India; expert tecnicians would work for a fraction of what they would would for in the US. Sending eperimental apparatus to India shouldn't be too tough either.

So, the contention is that there is a massive case for research based universities in India. And once, these "universities" reach a critical mass, they will attract excellent faculty from all around the world ... maybe even from India (if there are any - the reservations notwithstanding). And good faculty means excellent classes. Slowly but surely, India can still emerge strong. The people can still prevail over populism. But that will take too long.

But the era of the IIT as an institution of excellence is over. It breaks my heart to see my alma mater fall into the all-encompassing rut of mediocrity that the political class craves to retain India in for all eternity.

The Exorcist 5: Hail Singh

Arjun Singh is India's Human resources minister, responsible for the 49.5% reservation disaster.

Arjun Singh woke up one day at 9:00 am and went to his bathroom. He took out his twig (he does not use a tooth brush) and started brushing his teeth. He then looked at the mirror and there was something on his lip. It was a moustache that covered (symmetrically) one third of his upper lip. He then opened his left palm, and saw blood marks shaped like a reverse Swastika on it.

He wanted to shout out in agony in Hindi. (Something like "Behe* ?hod"). But the terms "Das ist mir scheißegal." were inadvertently blurted out of his mouth. It was pretty weird; he had never spoken in German before. He had, actually, flunked geography in school and was under the impression that Germany was one of India's southern neighbours, along with Finland.

Singh, at first did not like his new moustache. He had seen a movie starring Charlie Chaplin long ago - but he had never caught the humour. The moustache made him look like that B-Grade comedian.

He tried getting rid of it (the moustache) using scissors, but the damn thing would not budge. He tried using a knife. The strands of hair did not break. He then realized that the only way get rid of it was to cut his neck. But he was not that insane ...... yet.

At 12:00pm, after a hefty lunch of Paneer Parathas (imported from the USA) and Chicken Tikka masala and prawn spiked with beef and pork, he went to his office. He was early: he would usually be in his office by 2pm. His secretary greeted him with a smile and said "Namaste Mantriji", the usual greeting. But a voice from inside told Singh to pause and correct her. He said "Namaste Mantriji not. Hail Singh with salute!".

Singh then started taking policy decisions. He scribbled "99.5% reservations" on his notepad .. and started doodling on the same. He drew a house, a cow (which looked like a sad dog) and a dog. While he was doodling so enthusiastically, his pencil inadvertently drew a vertical line tangetial to the first 9 in 99.5%, making it look like a badly written 4. He then told his secratary to get him some concentrated orange juice. The term "juice" almost sounded like "jews".

What has happened to the Arjun Singh that we all know and love? Why is he possessed by this monster? What has the ghost of Adolf Hitler done to him? Is there any hope for the country, which has been placed under such a racist and bigoted order? Will we ever know?

Adolf Hitler had done his homework well. After Eva Brown shot him during one of their fights, Hitler decided that he was going to teach humanity a lesson. Humanity was in profusion in both India and China. He saw that the Communist government in China was teaching its people a lesson on a daily basis, and did not need any external help. India, on the other hand, was threatening to become a world power, a power with immense talent and a high morale. A power with brains, that might one day steer the world away from global warming. What better way to stifle this emerging power than remove whatever meritocracy there remained? All he had to do was complete what the ghost of General Dyer (another misanthrope, who had lost his soul when he committed the Jallianwalla Bagh Massacre) had done through the Mandal commission.

But Arjun Singh's inadvertent doodles had reduced it to 49.5%, necessitating the emergence of Idi Amin's ghost in the near future. But that is beyond the scope of this analysis.

After almost killing any justice in Mother India by passing the 49.5% reservation, Arjun Singh took a hacksaw and cut his neck (to get rid of that irritating moustache). The law had inspired him to cut his neck to solve the problem of his disgraceful moustache. His last words were, you guessed it, "Das ist mir scheißegal"!

P.S This post could have been called "The Exorcism of Arjun Singh", but the movie was so bad.

Re-organizing My Life

Do you know how humiliating it is to not undertsand what others speak to you? Especially, when you pride yourself to be fluent technically, and you are unable to understand them? Don't you often crave suicide?

For that is what happened to me recently. I was in class one day, and the class was going just fine, until, the professor insisted that the stress tensor was deviatoric, and that some other tensor ( I forget which) was anti-symmetric, and that a system of non-linear points had either saddle points or fixed points and that some were attractors. And there was something to do with invariants of second order tensors too.

I also writhe in shame when I see central limit theorem of calculus be used (as it is used often in Mechanics). If you're talking about the poles of an expression, I would look for the polar bears. I fear imaginary numbers like the average man would fear an agressive canine. Though I am comfortable with the Gauss and the Stokes theorems, I am petrified of Parseval's theorem, of Ricatti Equations, of variational calculus, of topology, of Banach Spaces, (and even Hilbert Spaces, for that matter). I still cannot recall the binomial expansion of (1-x)^n.

Mathematics has been a subject that I have not been paying attention to all my life. I believe the neglect has become quite criminal now. But, thankfully, I am still a student. I can still set things right. I have a chance to improve myself from the mechanic who knows only how to use screw drivers, to a mehcanic who knows how to use pnueumatic and hydraulic tools. Lots of interesting courses abound in the courses.tamu.edu website. I should take at least four math courses, to set some damage right.

Temporal Dynamics of an Idea and its effect on excitement in a PhD student's life

Feynman is a Hoax

A Tribute to Conspiracy Theories and the Idiots who spread them

Just like Einstein, Newton and Shakespeare before him and Stephen Hawking after him, Richard Feynman is nothing but a lowly hoax.

Feynman painted many naked women, wrote a lot of books, flirted around with everyone, grew Einstein-like hair, gave T.V interviews, traveled all around the world, got his car stuck in a snowstorm, moved to Caltech and basked in the salubrious Californian weather and gave some stilted lectures (which, strangely, have become quite popular among the students of today). If he did all this in his life, then, pray tell me, how on earth would he have found the time to do any credible research? Feynman unscrupulously reproduced the work of another scientist, an unfortunate individual whose name shall remain unknown for all eternity. I mean, why on earth would a theoretical Physicist work on wobbling plates?

It is my personal conviction that he copied the research from another scientist ( the real genius), killed the guy and shoved his body into a landfill, just like Einstein, who plagiarized David Hilbert's (Hilbert: a man with a lot of problems, 23 to be exact) equations of General Relativity, Lorentz's equations of special relativity and someone or the other's explanation of the photo-electric effect. I am sure that the Einstein summation convention was also created by someone else: probably an ancient Indian philosopher called Bhatti or something.

There is a popular anecdote about Newton: he constructed a cat flap (an opening in the door to allow the cat to go through) for his cat. And his cat got laid and had kittens. And he made another cat flap: for the kittens. Now, tell me, how could someone, so obviously deficient in the cerebrum, be capable of making significant contributions to mechanics, astronomy, calculus, fluid mechanics, heat transfer, optics - and everything else? It is my conviction that all Newton did was invent a system of plagiarism using which he could take credit for any work done in that field. I am sure he invented one such system for each field that he plagiarized.

This article is original and not plagiarized. If you need to kill someone for spreading this trashy libel, it is me. Feel free to be as abusive as possible in the comments sections of this post.

2040: An Introduction

Bansi Lal lived in Mumbai, India's largest metropolis. An urban agglomeration with 60 million people, the area housed more people than an average-size country. Only Tokyo, New York and Beijing had more people. And Mumbai was growing the fastest of them all, being the most tropical of the lot.

Bansi Lal worked as a news presenter: holographic images of him were beamed into the living rooms of several Indians while they had their breakfast. He spoke in a mix of English, Hindi and Tamil - a mix quite common in India at this point of time. He would present the news with confidence and passion. Looking at him, you would understand why he was India's highest paid anchor.

He had gained popularity in the Sri Lankan war, braving the supersonic bullets to get his spectators the story. It is said that many a maiden's heart was beating faster when he was doing this bit of field reporting. He had won India's heart thus. And the network gave him prime time breakfast news.

Today was a quite a good day, as far as mishaps were concerned. A hover-car had collided with a train, killing three - and that was about it. Bansi sailed through the story with aplomb. His was a cheerful heart today: only three accidental deaths in a city of 60 million per day was something everyone could live with.

Mumbai now was a town of hope. A town of development. A town of tomorrow. A town with a greater future than the rest of the world. It had more sunlight than the great cities of the United States, Europe, China and Japan. It had more skilled manpower than the sunny desert cities of the middle east and the vast expanses down under. Its main rivals were other Indian towns (especially Chennai and Hyderabad), Mediterranean towns of Madrid and Los Angeles. Mumbai had expanded by 2040 to cover what was once the metropolis of Pune, the town of Aurangabad - and as far north as Daman.

Something remarkable had occurred over time. Something that changed the face of the planet in the preceding 30 years. Something that helped the planet avert the energy crisis and tide through global warming. Solar energy.

perseverant research had been happening at the academic level - throughout the end of the 20th century and the beginning of the 21st century. The best brains in the world were working on solar cells; on harnessing solar energy for the future. Photovoltaics were always a "promising" technology. They were never economical.

Never economical, until that fateful day that fuel prices hit $140 a barrel (2005 dollars). Gradually solar photovoltaic cells started disappearing from store racks. More started being manufactured. Advertisements were being played on local and national television. India started becoming a "solar" country. The grid would supply power only at night or on rainy days using coal power.

It was ironically that disease that had blighted humanity since times immemorial - religion - that had brought forth the current prosperity. Hatred between two prominent religions in the world resulted in an oil crisis. This also resulted in a hectic funding of scientific research in solar energy. Indian universities focused on an innocuous sounding plant called "Jathropha" which was instrumental in the production of bio-diesel.

Jathropha was taken to en-masse by the farmers. This had a multi-pronged effect. Since the average farmer started to earn more, only a few farmers were left who were willing to grow food crops. This resulted in the use of more efficient farming methods. Yields in India started being comparable to the rest of the developed world. And the other farmers formed a vital link in the supply chain of India's new fuel: solar bio diesel.

And almost overnight, India was transformed from a fledgling, energy hungry third world country to a sophisticated self-sufficient democracy. Development started occurring at a scorching pace.

But this is not the story of Mumbai. Or India. It is the story of Bansi Lal. And it is as much a story of romance as it is a story of hope. A hope for a better future.

What makes the USA tick?

My temporary flight to the U.S.A is not merely to enrich my knowledge of Heat Transfer, but is really a journey of discovery. I did set myself an ambitious target: find out what makes this powerful economy tick. Find out what makes the USA the most powerful nation in the world, financially and politically. And six months into my stay here, I think I might have struck upon the answer.

And the answer is as inoccuous as trash. The secret to America's success lies in extra packaging. In wastage. In excesses that would give any a third world country a mocked feeling. The answer lies in that mountain of junk mail that fills your post box daily. In that ton of rubbish that the newspaper boy delivers on weekends. In that ton that the garbage man takes out daily.

Just the other day, I was to recieve a tripod stand for my camera. It was a mini tripod stand, and was built more on the lines of the average human thumb as far as size is concerned. I ordered it on amazon.com; I really do not know why. So, a week later, a rather tired looking Fed-Ex guy knocked on my door and delivered a box (built more on the lines of a wooly mammoth than a thumb). It was a cubical box with a side of roughly 35 cm. I thought I recieved a television or something. I opened it up excited. I was hoping that Amazon made a mistake - that they sent me a T.V instead of the tripod stand.

But Amazon seldom errs. It was the tripod stand, alright. But there were a lot styrofoam peices within the box (impact absorbers?) , making the search for the tripod stand akin to that of a needle within a haystack. After sweating a few beads of sweat, I managed to ioslate the tripod stand. It is small enough to fit in my pocket.

Electronics in the U.S.A are sold in appetizing packages. These packages might look good from afar; they might catch your eye in a department store. But to open these packages, you will need a very sharp kinfe, scissors, gloves, a very strong set of teeth, a huge trash can, band aids - and even the kitchen sink. I have spent agonizing hours trying to open (often unsucsessfully) mp3 players, ear-phones, mobile phones, thermometers, battery cells ... the list really is endless.

It's something like this. Suppose a small package was used to, say, ship the tripod stand. Suppose almost everyone else in the U.S.A used appropriately small packages, like they do elsewhere in the world. Then, Fed-Ex would not be able to charge extra. Their entire business model would fail. There would be no "shippers". And without shipping, there would be no Amazon. No ebay. And essentially, internet would not have grown so fast. (As an aside, there would be no outsourcing to India. India would probably be in some sort of License Raj still, globalization failing to have taken root). This is not to mention, the nullfication of the current demand for trucks by Fed Ex.... the McDonalds frequented by the drivers will suffer .. the uniforms will not be sold ...

America has lots of resources. Lots of land. Very few people. This wastage is a way of saying to the world: we can afford to live extravagantly. And today's business (the consumer-suck up model) forces us to live extravagantly, even if we got scruples.

America seems to mock the world: You can't live extravagantly. Ha - Ha.

Note that I have not used my favorite 3 letter word in this post: oil. Saving it all up for a future post.